Absolut Tampax

According to Stephen Colbert, being a parent is a “sublime and beautiful adventure, filled with unexpected joys and unimaginable terror.”  Undoubtedly, much of this is due to the behavior of children. If that weren’t enough, most local news hours provide wall-to-wall coverage of the “unimaginable terror” which Colbert speaks of.  Look no further than Phoenix KPHO, who stood steadfast to their self-appointed motto, “telling it like it is.”  Taking a catnap from more pressing immigration concerns, KPHO delivered a hard-hitting piece on the newest problem in Arizona high schools, alcohol soaked tampons.

Absolut Tampax: Absolute Stupidity.

In order to provide their audience with an objective, measured assessment of the situation, KPHO led with the “experts.”  As Valley High School security officer Chris Thomas explains in the broadcast, “This is not isolated to any school, any city, any financial area.  This is everywhere.”  Similar to made-for-TV ads capable of shaking housewives out of ambien-induced comas by shouting, “Wait! That’s not all,” KPHO kept the shock coming—its not just teenage girls getting in on the fun.  Again, American crime-stopper Chris Thomas breaks the news, “this is definitely not just girls.  Guys will also use it and insert them into their rectums.” But Wait! That’s not all….

KPHO finishes strong, exposing the real danger on the horizon, the growing trend of “butt-chugging” amongst misguided youth.  You heard that correct, “butt-chugging.”  Unfortunately, this is exactly as it sounds.  Enthusiasts use a funnel/beer-bong and apply the tube directly to their anal cavity.  After watching 10 minutes of actual “butt-chugging” clips, I find myself asking the same question you all are, WHY?  What’s wrong with using your mouth?

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